20/04/2025 - Perception of Love

My perception of love is very confusing, it's a mix of want and resentment. My want for love probably stems from me just being a human, a nature yearning for social connection, acceptance and something to fall on when life gets difficult, be it parental love, friendships and relationships, I want deep connections within it all but I haven't received that, not yet and I don't see it in the future either. Someone might say that I got "enough" love and that person is me telling myself, however I do think that I should of received more, maybe it is my own fault for existing the way I am, my mistakes, or maybe it is my luck being born into this family, into this social circumstance and how I look.

I've felt that each time I want to recieve love, I begin to resent it. The feeling of having someone close, knowing my problems just for them to leave me, and make me feel alone again like before, makes me want to throw up, I feel like closeness isn't for me.

Resentment towards love is probably from my childhood, growing up with the wrong representation of love, seeing the hardships, seeing that "love" is just a word, I've never seen it infront of my eyes. Maybe it's just traditionality for parents to not love each other, I don't always think that it is my fault that they are that way, but sometimes that thought does creep in, and I tell you, those thoughts fuck with my head, it's a never ending loop of just, why does it have to be me? Why couldn't it be someone else.

It does sometimes feel like I feel nothing, that these thoughts just are a one time thing, and that they have no truth behind them, but it's reccuring, and every time I am alone.

I hope to anyone reading this, finds the love they deserve. :)

19/04/2025 - Everything and Nothing

I feel very lazy, there is so much to do in terms of studying and work, yet I barely study. I work a few days in a part time job which gives me the smallest income but I can not even spend the money on things I currently want. My only source of money is the one I get from working.

I don't know what is stopping me from studying properly, it might just be procrastination or that I barely have anything to do outside of work, I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything, I have no one to talk to during the day. I will be honest, I spend most of my time scrolling on social media to numb my brain from the boredom and noise that I constantly face. There has to be more to life than this. I hope so atleast.

Recently, I've wanted to get into skating or something, but I don't have the money to buy it. I mean I thought maybe it could make me more free or something but I guess I will be limited to staying where I am for now.

I am finding balancing work and studying quite hard because I have to help my parents with alot of things, but it is probably my laziness that is draining most of my time. I don't really know how to write a good blog entry but hopefully I get better.

I feel so uncomfortable, my haircut looks so stupid.

11/04/2025 - Four Walls

I am stuck within these four walls I call "home," does it really feel like home? No, not really. I am always here, I have never been out with my friends for things like the cinema or just to hangout with them, they've gone to cities, food places and parties without me. Some of them have asked me if I would like to join but I always have to make an excuse to not go, because I am not allowed to go.

It does hurt sometimes, seeing my peers do things I can only dream of, freedom and money to do what they will. I understand that social media is just highlights of people's lives and that the 'happiness' you see on it, is just a single tiny moment in someone's life, but even then, that is what I want to experience. I wouldn't say I feel jealousy or anything like that usually, but its sometimes hard to think that I could of had such a different life if I was born else where, maybe better or maybe worse.

I don't really to know what to do, you can only study for so long with the noise in the background, I've tried drawing but I am not good at it, nor can I waste paper on practicing, I don't have the motivation to study or do anything else. I am mediocre at anything I have done. Maybe my lack of interests stems from my lack of experiences, with the only one I have is just filled with endless noise.

I feel very lonely at times.

08/04/2025 - Dear Stranger

I found this photographer called Shizuka Yokomizo, who would leave notes to strangers asking them to stand infront of their window for a picture, a bluured line between voyeurism and actual consent. I love the photos that she took, they are raw and unique, capturing to hearts of people in their home, making a powerful scene from an otherwise mundane setting. you can find more of the pictures on shizukayokomizo.com/6 but this is one of my favourites. to be honest, all of it is amazing.

I wish I had a camera, to take cool pictures of things i've seen, probably more of everyday life. Anyway that is all for today!

07/04/2025 - getting over people

I feel like getting over people is honestly both the easiest and hardest thing to do. I don't really know, sometimes i feel like the person i've been trying to move on from just never existed, and the second i am reminded of them, like from their friends or my friends, then my heart drops.

i don't understand why she just wants to disappear from my life, to be honest, i mean, i feel like we were pretty close, and maybe she hates how close i got or something, but it was pretty much all of a sudden. well we were not dating or anything, so i guess it does not really matter at the end of the day.

i try to keep my mind clear of anything that will anger me, because when i do get angry, i do feel like it is quite hard for me to calm down, im not really sure how to cope with it, especially considering all the people around me get so angry so easily.

well that is all for today's blog post, i still am unsure of how comfortable i am to vent here, but hopefully this helps. have a good day to everyone whose read this :)

28/03/2025 - first blog

I guess it is time to make my first blog post, I don't really know what to write to be honest. I like to think that I have a future for myself, but I don't really see one, especially as a grow older, I feel like the responsiblites will become to overwhelming, I already have many currently but there will be significant more to come, especially in the upcoming 2-3 years. I've finally studied properly for 2 hours which was pretty good, i'd like to keep that up. my website is slowly coming together as i learn more about website making. Have a good day everyone!