My perception of love is very confusing, it's a mix of want and resentment. My want for love probably stems from me just being a human, a nature yearning for social connection, acceptance and something to fall on when life gets difficult, be it parental love, friendships and relationships, I want deep connections within it all but I haven't received that, not yet and I don't see it in the future either. Someone might say that I got "enough" love and that person is me telling myself, however I do think that I should of received more, maybe it is my own fault for existing the way I am, my mistakes, or maybe it is my luck being born into this family, into this social circumstance and how I look.
I've felt that each time I want to recieve love, I begin to resent it. The feeling of having someone close, knowing my problems just for them to leave me, and make me feel alone again like before, makes me want to throw up, I feel like closeness isn't for me.
Resentment towards love is probably from my childhood, growing up with the wrong representation of love, seeing the hardships, seeing that "love" is just a word, I've never seen it infront of my eyes. Maybe it's just traditionality for parents to not love each other, I don't always think that it is my fault that they are that way, but sometimes that thought does creep in, and I tell you, those thoughts fuck with my head, it's a never ending loop of just, why does it have to be me? Why couldn't it be someone else.
It does sometimes feel like I feel nothing, that these thoughts just are a one time thing, and that they have no truth behind them, but it's reccuring, and every time I am alone.
I hope to anyone reading this, finds the love they deserve. :)